The Express Tribune

On April 1, 2013, I logged on to The Express Tribune website and was taken by surprise by this little headline in the right corner that read: ‘Waqar Zaka to go from cobra to constituency.’ Though I am not one of Mr Zaka’s fans, I went on to give it a read. The constituency bit smelled fishy considering the 2013 elections are just round the corner. There I had it: Waqar Zaka plans to contest the elections! Initially, like many others, I thought he tried to pull off an April fools prank (And I secretly still hope so). However, considering that the news was published at a reputable newspaper, I was forced to assume that he does in fact intend to join Meera and Musarrat Shaheen’s league - the celebrities who intend to contest the elections. Honestly speaking, there is nothing wrong with that. In a democratic setup he has as much right to contest the elections as anyone else. That aside, the story about his election plans has so much that is wrong with it, that I have been compelled to write a response. As I proceed to decimate his statements, I would like to apologise in advance to his fans before the hate mails start pouring in. For those who don’t know, Mr Zaka is a VJ/host and his claim to fame is a “dare show”. He is also famous as Mr Daredevil for the ‘daring’ stunts he has pulled off such as kissing cobra snakes. So our Mr Daredevil here has decided to be daring enough to contest the elections. This is what he had to say:

“My fan following is diverse — from Nazimabad’s gutka-chewing audiences to Grammar School girls. I am assessing how much my fans love me,” “…. If my show’s ratings are soaring high, then they should translate in a strong voters’ turnout for me.”

Apparently he wants to test his fan following by running in the elections. I do not, however, know how he expects his audience, of school and college going kids -- mainly under 18 years of age -- to be eligible to cast a vote. Putting that fact aside, as a prospective voter, I would like to ask him some questions based on his statement: 1. Does he mean people living in Nazimabad are gutka chewers? Or, does he mean that his audience from Nazimabad are gutka chewers? With that statement he should forget about any political support he can get from people living in Nazimabad – except for the gutka-chewers may be. 2. Why Grammar School? And why girls only? Are boys and non-Grammarian girls excluded from his fan-following? Are non-Grammarian girls any inferior? By the way I am a girl, I am not a Grammarian and I am offended. Moving on, Mr Zaka expressed his intent to contest elections from NA-253 but claimed that while he is open to any party who gives him a ticket, none of the parties except MQM were welcoming towards him. He also alleged that ANP was discriminatory against him because of his long hair. I feel sorry for him regarding the long hair bit (no pun intended). That aside, NA-253 is a major MQM stronghold and Haider Abbas Rizvi is the primary contestant from that constituency. As such, I do not understand why MQM would consider giving Mr Zaka a ticket on that seat. The most important and intriguing highlight of the story is Mr Zaka’s manifesto. He claims that his manifesto addresses people’s needs. Here’s what he is offering:

“Education weducation bakwas baatein hain. Perhne likhne se insan lethal banjata hai” (Education is all non-sense. It makes one lethal) “My basic idea is to open the doors of entertainment for the masses.”

Apparently, he means all the target killers, kidnappers, insurgents and ‘namaloom afraad’ in the country must have highly qualified academic backgrounds, considering the extent of their ‘lethalness’. As for the entertainment part, many of our politicians are already offering that. Mr Zaka further believes that the provision of free Wi-Fi and gaming zones is more important than electricity and water.

“Bijli and paani come way after that — people want tafreeh (fun) first.”

This one line statement gives rise to many questions. a) If free Wi-Fi comes before electricity, then how will the Wi-Fi device operate? b) Will there be an alternate energy source to run the Wi-Fi devices (something like Agha Waqar’s water kit, may be)? Or, will free generators/UPS be provided to facilitate smooth internet access without disruption. c) Most of the ‘ghareeb awaam’ might not be able to afford PCs and laptops. Since a Wi-Fi device is incomplete without a PC, laptop or a smartphone, will that be provided for free as well? Also the not-so-educated masses will need free training in order to be able to access the internet. Lastly, I have a million dollar question to ask Mr Waqar Zaka on a personal note. If education is not on your list, and you want to provide free Wi-Fi solely for the sake of entertainment, what kind of entertainment do you want people to have from the internet and how, if at all, do you see the country prospering under your authority? Read more by Sana Iqbal here and follow her @sanarites

Whilst the former government was busy choosing a person from the photo album of multiple 85-year-old potential caretakers (most of whom require a personal caretaker in their normal lives), the only thing that was killing me was to figure who I must vote for. Amidst that anguish, came the news that immediately lightened up the mood; interior design graduate from Kinnaird College named Irtiza Rubab is going to be contesting against Imran Khan in the next general elections. For those who don’t know, I’m talking about Meera jee! It was a bit of a laugh since there is absolutely no match between the two. I mean come on, one is an internationally acclaimed superstar, a philanthropist and a heartthrob who stole millions of hearts and the other one is Imran Khan. I think Imran Khan should step back or consider another seat if he doesn’t want to see his 17-year-long struggle flushed down the drain. I’m serious. Meera definitely has my vote for reasons mentioned below and after reading this piece, she’ll have a couple more, I’m sure. Following are the reasons why Meera has a higher weightage against Imran Khan. Name: Names have a very strong psychological effect. Now I’m a believer of numbers and letters and the science between them. Looking at some historical examples, you will see that strong personalities usually possess strong names; these names define their charisma and appeal. How many Benazirs did you know before Benazir Bhutto? Most of us never heard of the name ‘Musharraf’ before Pervez Musharraf. How many Churchills or Hitlers were there in history? This is why you had never heard the name Obama before President Obama came along. If I were to tell you that a guy named Abdul Rashid Salim dated Aishwariya Rai and Katrina Kaif, your mind would conjure up a weird image of an ordinary person and you would probably find it hard to believe. Well, that happens to be Salman Khan’s real name! See, now you have a different image in your head. Imran Khan is a very common name, although the “Khan” attempts to give more weightage there but try and Google it, you’d get more results for “Matru Ki Bijli ka Mandola” than the guy in question. ‘Meera Jee’, however, has its own uniqueness that speaks of a strong character and I foresee this name as a beacon of exemplary leadership in future. Team: There is no “I” in the word team unless Apple decides to launch a product called iTeam; until then we’re good. A team is very essential, as politics is no one-man-show. Okay, may be it is in this democratic dilemma we live in, but if you wish to bring a change, you need a perfect team to start off. Imran doesn’t have it, sadly. His team comprises a dentist, an owner of a chain of schools, a former CEO of a multinational, and a bunch of opportunists who had pledged their allegiance to the same “crooks” who Imran likes to keep targeting. It is highly unlikely that these people will ever make to our good books. A CEO of a multinational company? Please, everyone knows that they are the ones who devise and execute plans to steal resources of the nation and sell it worldwide reaping profits, paying peanuts to the worker; they’re a perfect example of ‘corporatocracy’. I am not willing to trade my vote for this. Meera, however, has a trustworthy and talented team of “national heroes” who mean serious business. They can use Moammar Rana’s acting sequels as a torture method for interrogation ensuring quick results in counter-terrorism. Saima, on the other hand, can come in handy in the search for untapped mineral resources. Mustafa Qureshi can be made in-charge of security and immigration at the airport keeping an eye on the goras, mostly first time visitors who he could stare straight into their face and ask,

“Nava aaya hai, sohneya?” (Are you new here, dearie?)

That will really send the message across that there is no room for monkey business and if they were on espionage, they should think twice before proceeding. Representation: Imran does not represent the masses. He represents the elitists who have had everything they’ve ever wanted for generations; went to posh schools, had an aristocratic lifestyle and married royalty. He represents the one per cent and will only work to run their agenda. Meera, on the other hand, truly represents the 99 per cent - you know, since 99 per cent of us can’t form a grammatically correct sentence. Plan: Imran’s 90-day plans sound far from reality. It sounds more like a Tele-brand product where Jim and John (who happen to speak perfect Hindi), cut a leather shoe in half with a pair of scissors - fancy to look at, but unrealistic to carry out. In the year 2000, Meera did a movie called “Billi” and two years later did a movie called “Billa”(wow, what range), which means that she has a ‘cat-astrophic’ plan. If you haven’t had it figured out yet, there’s a reason why “Lollywood” starts with LOL. Besides, she hasn’t really laid out a plan as to how she plans to rule the country, which perfectly fits a quote by Rumi that says,

“Live where you fear to live. Destroy your reputation. Be notorious.”

In short, YOLO (You Only Live Once)! History: History is very important and relevant especially when you’re competing to run the office. You must show that you have a lot of experience and gained a lot of skill from your previous portfolio. Imran cannot possibly use his cricketing experience. The only thing he could be using is the autocratic method to run the country, the way he used to back in the day with the team. Meera, however, could use her skills of acting, the power of denial and persistence to stay firm on a statement like none other. All of this could come in handy in diplomatic affairs. She could charm Michelle Obama complimenting her on her “outfoot” before going for a bathroom break, pass out when thrown harsh questions at from the press, and swear upon anything to prove the country’s innocence - especially when facing allegations of overseas terrorism attacks. Who wouldn’t buy it if she swears upon her family, huh? PS: Before the Pakistan Tehreek-e-Insaf (PTI) anti-bullying cyber jihadi force wage a war on me, here are some pictures of me. Here’s me pulling an all-nighter at PTI’s anti-drone sit-in in Karachi, May 2011.

And here’s me at a PTI fundraiser in Karachi.

Read more by Junaid here or follow him on Twitter @june_aid

As a child and a youngster, I barely knew that there was more to life than using your proficiency in English as a status symbol. I was born and raised in a family where the accuracy of your English was the most important value. After an exhausting and detailed process of school selection, I was put in a schooling system that charged my parents a monthly fee exceeding grocery and food expenses for the entire house. The top family fact was repeated every other day for our benefit:

“Ammi holds a Masters degree in English Literature!”

Even around me, rich farmers wanted their offspring to rise above peers by deviating from their roots and becoming part of an English-language-complex that prevailed in the elite class. Many sold ancestral belongings just to have their sons and daughters grow up with an admirable command over this foreign language. We grew up with a stiff and pompous attitude that stopped us from mingling with our ‘less equal’ relatives and neighbours. We mocked any grammatical error in a jiffy, believing that everyone who couldn’t communicate in English, as well as us, was inferior. Our anxiety about how good our English was turned into a shocking superiority complex. We were not just children. We represented a thin sliver of the Pakistani society: a faction that considered itself high above the rest, having disregarded our rich cultural heritage and roots in favour of proficiency in English. When I look back at that time of my life, I feel empty. However, I learnt later that life had much more to offer. When I entered a government university, I discovered girls with head scarves concealing oiled hair who had trouble interacting with pants-clad men as well as boys-aspiring-to-be-men, with spectacles hanging down their ears and pants climbing up their chest. In my self-imposed superiority complex, I hovered over them, exalted above them by means of my English vocabulary. On picking ‘Film City’ as a thesis project despite my parents’ objection, I began a brand new stage of my life. I roamed around in dark corners of film studios, measuring each brick, exploring each nook and cranny. On one such expedition, I came across the dusky, almond-eyed, petite Meera ji. She was clearly very important, surrounded by lots of people, present to support ‘madam’ in her shoot. One person held up a mirror for her reflection. Another offered a water bottle. Meera had an air of importance about her. But I felt immune to all that. I laughed in my head, recalling all the mockery she faced for her English in the elitist bandwagon I belonged to. I texted my friends immediately to join me for a conference call that night, so that we could discuss her English and fall into fits of laughter. My adventurous nature compelled me to cross the crowd and meet her. To my surprise, Meera singled me out as well, walking towards me before I could approach her. Perhaps she wanted to talk to someone who seemed unlike all the other people at Evernew Studios. She began with:

“Ohh… you student? I knows.”

I was already laughing in my head.

“I has sister of you age. This place is no good for girls. I work, I knows. Men bad. They see you bad. Next time, call me before you comes here. I help. Take my number.”

My surprise had now turned into shock. I had never expected to find such kindness and empathy in the words of a celebrity I had grown up making fun of for her poor English. She was still smiling emptily, tossing her ringlets. I looked into her eyes. She kept moving her gaze away deliberately. I wanted to say many things but a shivering ‘thank you’ was all I could manage. She smiled again and I caught her eyes. They seemed empty and sad to me. I felt small and embarrassed at her kind, sisterly words. I turned to leave. Meera called out:

“Hello girl, come back.” “Jee, Meera ji?” “Next time, wear big dupatta. I work. I knows. Men bad. They see you bad.”

She was teary this time and so was I. My reasons, however, were different. I was touched that an actress I looked down upon without knowing her personality and work could extend me a helpful hand. I felt like a different human being, one with little desire to exalt herself or see others as inferior. It is not grammatical errors or poor vocabulary of our celebrities that deserves to be looked down upon – it is our own disrespectful attitude towards celebrities who represent us. From cracking up at cricketers’ broken English at award ceremonies to sharing Meera’s interviews on Facebook for likes, we make our celebrities’ weaknesses a concern, instead of their talent. Even our Twitterati leaves no stone unturned in hyping up Meera’s poor English for their entertainment. https://twitter.com/omarulhaq/status/314098105538736128 https://twitter.com/adnanrasool/status/81064228475248640 https://twitter.com/EpicWakeel_PTI/status/319363450331607040 Why don’t we pay more attention to their stories of strength and success? Why not emphasise their resilience, rising from humble backgrounds to fame? Is all of that less significant than how well they speak a language? My head is drooped in shame. I still feel guilty.

The list of things wrong with Pakistan, today: corruption, terrorism, a crumbling state structure, the energy crisis, sectarian violence, poverty, lack of infrastructural development, brain drain, increasing foreign debt, illiteracy, unemployment, mehngai (inflation), paani ki qami (water scarcity), roads pe traffic aur Meera ji ki English (traffic on the roads and Meera ji’s English)…Wait, what?! In her own words, Meera began her career in the entertainment industry in 1995. In just 18 years, she has somehow managed to become an integral part of the Pakistani entertainment industry. Every other person on the street will know who she is. Hers’ is the kind of fame that has managed to transcend all barriers of class, sect and ethnicity. For the love of God, the woman got her own reality television show when she decided it was time for her to get married. Need I say more? But somehow, we have all collectively managed to upset Meera. The fan-following and popularity isn’t enough. The XX-year-old woman needs more attention. In her latest attempt to make news waves, Meera has decided that she has had enough with all the jokes about her age and her English speaking skills (or lack thereof). Apparently, her recently released movie didn’t shift enough of the Pakistani population’s focus onto her. The ‘veteran’ Lollywood actress has now threatened to drag to court everybody who manages to offend her! Good luck with that Meera. It’s not like our courts have anything better to do anyway, right?

“I am taking my life very seriously now and want to build a hospital in Pakistan for my country-men.”

About time Meera, about time. But guess what: nobody cares. We have bigger problems to focus on. And yes that’s a valid argument here. A couple of tweets and jokes that people probably forgot five minutes after they first read/heard them don’t damage anybody’s reputation as much as their own words do. And let’s not pretend Meera hasn’t enjoyed the attention all this time. She probably has more parody accounts on our social media channels than Zardari and Altaf Bhai combined. News flash! People are mean. We mock, we judge and we joke. It’s in our nature and we do it only to keep ourselves entertained. Who better to entertain us than our very own entertainment industry’s artists? Especially when acting skills and scripts don’t seem to suffice anyway – any publicity is good publicity, right? Haters are going to hate, but if the hatred is too hot for Meera to handle, how about she hire someone who’ll tweet her wonderful thoughts for her or even better, how about she stops using Twitter altogether? That way, us, entertainment starved Pakistanis, won’t get after her for every tiny error in judgment. After that, she could continue doing what she is doing and we’ll do the same. System chal raha hai, chalney doh (A system is working in place, let it work). After all, by throwing random fits she is just giving us more reasons to ‘discuss’ her and since she has yet to display any serious intention of fixing her ways, I won’t even bother with that suggestion. If this were a less pathetic situation, I would have asked Meera to continue doing the work that she is doing and ignore the ‘criticisms’ but as far as I’m concerned, this particular personality has yet to make any valid contribution to our society. If she were a smarter woman, she would have started taking her life seriously decades ago. (Does the decades reference count as an age-related joke? Oops.)

Hypocrisy is one of Pakistan’s most wide-spread epidemics. The channel, which defamed and criticised a respectable educationist for ‘corrupting the youth’ of Pakistan by imparting sex education, occasionally airs inappropriate content full of sexual references during prime time. How exactly are we supposed to explain to our children what rape, ziyadti (dishonour), prostitution and najaiz jinsi taluqaat (inappropriate sexual relations) are when they hear these words on TV? Not only is the timing inapt but sometimes, it is also the content. [embed width="620"]http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x14s3qi_khara-sach-with-mubashir-luqman-16th-september-2013-ary-news_news[/embed] Most of the channels have identical programs in which they ‘expose’ selected evils of the society. Some months ago, a channel aired a story about a father who had sexual relations with one of his daughters, and had impregnated her. This channel ruthlessly questioned the child about the incident and she narrated that he used to intoxicate her when she would protest. Instead of offering her protection and psychological help, they inflicted further psychological damage by making her talk about the traumatising experience in their hunger for ratings, not to forget the stigma which gets attached to people who appear on these programs. [embed width="620"]http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x14oy5e_child-rape-cases-up-in-punjab_news[/embed] In countries such as the United Kingdom and United States of America, people criticise sex offender registry because of the stigma it attaches and the serious repercussions it has for those convicted. On the other hand, Pakistani channels play a major part in disgracing alleged offenders and criminals, through conducting a media trial. This takes away their right to be considered innocent until proven guilty. Brothels and internet cafes situated in the underdeveloped areas of the country are raided and exposed. But the illegal activities, such as prostitution taking place in three and four stars hotels of the country, go unreported because of the influence and resources of those involved. A wrong is a wrong irrespective of who the culprit is. However, my basic reservation is that, why is it that these channels only ‘expose’ people belonging to the lower middle and lower classes? Is the intention to expose and eradicate the evils of the society or is the intention to exploit those who can be exploited easily in order to get maximum ratings? Forced confessions of alleged offenders are aired frequently and it surprises me that the courts never take notice of this, neither do the courts or Pakistan Electronic Media Regularity Authority (PEMRA). A mere parental guidance sign does not suffice as notice. These programs end with a quick line about how the government should take notice, amend or implement laws. Should this not be the primary focus of these programs? There are hardly any programs or shows which educate people about their rights, review current legislation and push for reform in legislation. Intellectual debate on television is almost non-existent. No, inviting political workers to fight does not amount to intellectual debate. And how can there really be any intellectual discussion when half of the nation is hooked on Turkish dramas, morning shows and programs about black magic? It is frustrating to come across shows in which Meera is questioned about what she did within her private premises and hear her come up with bizarre stories to cover it up, or Veena fighting with a clergyman. They are not running for elections and they do not owe anyone any explanations. Nobody demands any explanations from Mr Amir Liaquat for behaving the way he does because if Meera and Veena behave in a manner not fit for a Pakistani, then he also behaves in a manner not fit for a ‘religious scholar’. Even though Aamir Khan in Satyamev Jayate has addressed extremely sensitive issues from sexual and domestic violence to female feticide, he has done it with certain dignity and grace intact. The program shows interviews of victims and their families, but it in no way cashes in on their misery. [embed width="620"]http://vimeo.com/54278537[/embed] The best aspect of this program is its primary motive of not airing India's dirty laundry to the world. Instead, it presents the facts in a dignified manner and most of the program is dedicated to finding solutions. It educates people. For example, in one of its episodes, it showed how alcoholism can ruin your life and how one can get help, suggested how medical examination of rape victims should be uniform in all hospitals and the likes. It sheds light on where the state lacks in provision and protection of human rights and urges for reform and how the society needs to change its mind set. I hope Pakistani channels take a leaf out of Satyamev Jayate’s book. The nation does not need to be shown the face of a rape victim as that is not what it is all about. Instead, we need to address the fact that despite laws being enforced, between January 2012 and October 2013, there were 268 cases of sexual assault, 344 cases of rape, 72 cases of burning victims, 481 of domestic violence, 860 of karo-kari and 90 of acid burning. We have bigger fish to fry than raiding private premises where poor people watch pornography for a mere Rs10 per movie.

It is evident that, in today’s day and age, women become very sensitive when it comes to discussing matters of ‘age’. Some become defensive, while others become emotionally distraught. Yesterday, a friend of mine shared a video with me on Facebook, and what a surprising video that turned out to be! In the clip, Meera is seen clarifying speculations about her age. She says,

“My age has always been a very complicated matter and ‘Googles’ also portrays my age incorrectly, even my date of birth. I was born on May 12 but ‘Googles’ shows otherwise. But for now all I can say is that I am under 30. I’m just a girl right now.”

[embed width="620"]http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x1ufer8_meera-jee-disclosed-her-age-last-night-and-claims-googles-is-fake_fun[/embed] Shocked at her statement I began pondering over how long I had seen Meera ji on television. As far as I can recall, I seem to remember having seen her on TV for a good 20 years, at least! And yet, she insists she is still in her 20’s? Yes, I understand people want to hide their age, but the least they can do is make it realistic! To know that thousands of people on social media platforms and television have probably seen the video, nationally and internationally, I was highly embarrassed; for Pakistan and for Meera. When our actresses come in front of the camera and make such statements about their age, they give out a bad impression to the world, not only about themselves but also about the people of the country too. On one side, we compare everything with Bollywood but on the other, we victimise ourselves with trivial, age related conflicts. While Bollywood actors and actresses support charity events and make headlines for doing noteworthy things, ours make headlines for all the wrong reasons. And of course, if one actress tries to steal the limelight, albeit for trivial reasons such as age, others feel the obligation to jump onto the bandwagon too. In this case it was, Lollywood’s senior actress, Sangeeta Begum, who decided to pass on some ‘advice’ to Meera regarding her age and the kinds of roles she should be taking up. She said,

“Meera falls in the league of senior actors now and should play the role of the heroine’s older sister, instead of the lead character.”

Frankly speaking, I didn’t expect such statements to be made by a senior artist like Sangeeta. Yes, the adults are there to help guide the young, even scold them, but to do so on television, in front of the whole wide world is just making a spectacle of an already dramatised affair is just wrong. Could she not have emailed, texted, called or paid a visit to Meera to explain things? Was making a public spectacle of it really necessary? The impression of the industry rests upon the shoulders of each and every member, and if mistakes or non-news worthy statements are sensationalised in such a way, what impression are you leaving with our foreign viewers? As was expected, the show must go on and so Meera obviously retaliated,

“Sangeeta is more like a grandmother now and she should act maturely. She should abstain from exhibiting such childlike behaviour; the underlying motive for passing such a statement was to gain popularity.”

Now, who will tell Meera that Sangeeta, at her age, doesn’t need cheap publicity; she needs philanthropy and prayers. To clarify, I am not criticising Sangeeta’s age here; I’m merely suggesting that, besides focusing on the revival of the film industry, there are other important issues too, like development projects and campaigns against social problems, which require time and attention. If our actors and artists divert their attention towards these issues and work towards solving them, the general public will be thankful to them and that in itself will be great publicity. But obviously, the conflict doesn’t end here. Pakistan’s very own Barbie doll, Reema Khan, with her charming smile and composed countenance, commented on the on-going age conflict during a programme stating,

“I am not suffering from any age complex. However, many actresses these days, who are grandmothers now, are still hiding their age.”

What was surprising was that none of the other actresses felt the need to rebut Reema’s statement. Perhaps, they are pondering over how to respond to her remark with an equally charming demeanour, all the while maintaining their distance from the age conflict, afraid that they might come in the line of fire as well. Or maybe, the hesitation is a sign that actresses do not want to cross swords with Reema because she is one of the most respected artists in our industry? Or maybe, the deafening silence is because Reema, keeping her age in mind, decided to quit the film industry even though she was on the zenith of her career. She left the industry gracefully and decided to get married when the time was right. Whatever the case, the bottom line is, as a nation, we are distracting ourselves from real issues that have a stranglehold on everyday lives. Meera ji’s age is a non-issue and an irrelevant conflict that has absolutely no solution. There never has been a solution to this age conundrum, nor will there ever be. It is time we accept that and move on. Age is just a number and this number will not help us solve the plethora of issues that our country is currently enduring.

A crazy Ukrainian decided to make it his life’s mission to go parading from one Hollywood event to another, making a fool out of himself at the expense of our beloved celebrities. His latest whim consists of getting out of the fan gallery and jumping on Brad Pitt, allegedly to punch him. Yes, you read it right! This guy almost managed to punch one of the most handsome men on the planet. Brad Pitt, the American heartthrob, my childhood crush and the guy who has caused many accidents at the intersection of Punjab Colony with his face plastered across a huge billboard as brand ambassador for Tag Heuer - HE was almost punched in the face! [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="640"] Photo: Reuters[/caption] [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="600"] Photo: AFP[/caption] So it all went down in Los Angeles on May 29. The Ukrainian prankster who goes by the name of Vitalii Sediuk was one of the countless people standing behind the barrier to watch famous Hollywood celebrities attend the red carpet premiere of Maleficent. While Angelina Jolie and the rest of the gang signed autographs and took flawless pictures, Mr Sediuk managed to jump over the elevated barrier in an attempt to crash the red carpet at the celebrated El Capitan Theatre. He then ran towards Pitt, touched the actor briefly before the security guards came running to stop his failed attempt. [embed width="620"]http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x1xfyw9_brad-pitt-attacked-on-maleficent-red-carpet_people[/embed] Fortunately for us, nothing happened; he barely brushed against him before security intervened. I don’t even want to imagine what would’ve happened if his attempt was successful. The Achilles of Troy’s Greek God face, his million dollar smile and those mesmerising blue eyes; God forbid something should happen to that face. If you think this was a one-time thing, think again! Sediuk is known as the most notorious prankster in Hollywood for a reason. This is a list of his hilarious pranks: 1. Can I take a picture with you, while I poke under your dress? Earlier this month, the prankster caused quite a stir at the prestigious 2014 Cannes Film Festival. This recent gag was so absurd that it almost makes me laugh while I write this. So this brilliant prankster decided to dive under America Ferrera’s dress while she was busy taking photographs with Cate Blanchett at the red carpet. Hard to believe, yes I know! [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="600"] Photo: Reuters[/caption] [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="600"] Photo:File[/caption] [embed width="620"]http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x1v64ji_cannes-2014-prankster-dives-under-america-ferrera-s-dress_news[/embed] According to Vulture magazine, she said:

“I don’t even know what happened. I felt something behind me and there’s this guy under my dress, and then two guys drag him away!”

I want to feel bad for her but I can’t. I can’t help but crack up every time I look at that picture. Imagine yourself in a similar situation; you start posing for a picture and then in a second you notice there is someone creeping under your dress. Disturbing but hilarious! 2. Excuse me while I hold you and never let you go! At the 20^th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards in Los Angeles, while Bradley Cooper stood there talking to his friends, Michael Peña and actor Mandy Patinkin, Sediuk immediately lurched and decided to give him what is being called a ‘crotch hug’. The reaction he got was priceless – Cooper wasn’t ready to believe it and his fellow actors were just standing there in disbelief. After everyone took in what just happened, they helped Sediuk stand up and pry away from Cooper’s legs. [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="656"]

Photo: Reuters[/caption]

[embed width="620"]http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x1a1bzk_bradley-cooper-awkward-crotch-hug-at-sag-awards-2014_news[/embed] This incident was a tad bit too funny and the picture is worth a million dollars. Okay, so let’s be honest, in this case, I don’t mind switching places with Sediuk; to hold onto the legs of this gorgeous man would bring me one inch closer to touching his face. 3. And the award goes to……. Sediuk has been on the map since 2013. At the 55^th Annual Grammy Awards in February, he got up on stage and tried to ruin Adele’s acceptance speech for Best Solo Pop Performance by giving a version of his own speech.

“It’s such an honour to receive this award,” said Sediuk on stage.

But thank the Lord for Jennifer Lopez. She stopped him and cut his speech half way. But Sediuk managed to put in a few words before he was cut off.

“I love you Adele”, he added right before Jenny from the block cornered him off.

[caption id="" align="alignnone" width="600"]

Photo:Reuters[/caption]

[embed width="620"]http://www.dailymotion.com/video/xxgsfw_jennifer-lopez-saves-adele-from-intruder-at-grammys-2013_music[/embed] In my dreams, I do the same to Justin Bieber every time he wins an award, and sometimes my sister does this to me when I dream of winning one. But in any case, I wouldn’t want to be jailed overnight as a result, which Sediuk has been for carrying out the prank on Pitt. I mean I love pranks and jokes as much as the next guy but if I get convicted for one count of wilfully leaving a spectator area and entering a performance area, you know something went majorly wrong. 4. Rewind back to when it all began Sediuk made his mark on the Hollywood scene in 2012. He kissed Will Smith at Moscow’s Men in Black 3 premiere. Although, Smith didn’t take it as well as Cooper did. He slapped Sediuk and shoved him away. [embed width="620"]http://www.dailymotion.com/video/xqxshp_will-smith-slaps-journalist-who-tried-to-kiss-him_news[/embed] And he added,

“He’s lucky I didn’t sucker punch him.”

Wow! Sediuk truly has achieved so much in such little time. I mean kissing Will Smith, touching Bradley Cooper, being in the same room as Adele and J Lo, creeping up on America Ferrera’s dress and finally attempting to punch Brad Pitt in the face, he really has come a long way! I wonder if he will end up inspiring characters in Pakistan who might parade around in our film industry. I can’t even begin to imagine Shaan’s reaction, but I know for a fact that Meera will love the publicity! At least this character will add an entertaining factor to our boring media events.

I fail to understand the hue and cry against the comparisons of the events of Islamabad to a mujra. If anything Altaf Hussain insulted Heera Mandi with the comparison. At least with Heera Mandi everyone knows how much everyone is getting paid, and who is getting screwed. All Altaf Bhai wants is permission to open a branch of Heera Mandi in Karachi, at least it would be cleaner than the Sabzi Mandi and fewer women would get sexually harassed there compared to the Sabzi Mandi. An event organised by politicians by spending a lot of money to awaken the naujawans is the very definition of a mujra. Tell me this, if it was not a mujra, what is DJ Butt doing there? DJ Butt has clearly infiltrated the Pakistan Tehreek-e-Insaf (PTI) ranks, on behalf of his Butt brotherhood. The fact that every time Imran Khan starts to criticise Gullu Butt, DJ Butt starts playing a song to disrupt him is clear evidence of his annoyance. PTI may be singing to the tune of, “I like DJ Butt and I cannot lie” for now but he will eventually get revenge for the verbal abuse against the Butt brotherhood, especially the three Butt sisters, Seema Butt, Rabya butt and Kissma Butt; butt is thicker than water. Maybe the name ‘Butt’ made Altaf Bhai think of other things. Behind the allure of Altaf Bhai’s intoxicating gravel, there are logical facts. My conclusions are based on sound evidence, I have watched clips of the dharna on all television channels and the only close-up shots I saw were of women. Why would so many women and girls come out on the streets of Islamabad? It is not like they constitute half the population of Pakistan and have the right to exercise their fundamental rights as much as any men. This is Pakistan; politics is a man’s game. Women do not belong at protests, unless of course they are there to run the kitchens for the dharna. A man’s got to eat you know. Women did not help Pakistan gain independence, in fact many women could not even migrate to Pakistan because they not allowed out of their houses. Women did not win back democracy for Pakistan from Ziaul Haq. The Women’s Action Forum was mainly an excuse to get together and watch Star Plus. There is no history in Pakistan of strong female political leaders. People like Fatima Jinnah and Benazir Bhutto are mere fairy tales to tell little girls, they are basically the Pakistani version of Elsa and Anna.

Anna: “Do you want to build a Pakistan?” Elsa: “Let it go. Soon you won’t be single anymore. Let it go, let it go, the jahez never bothered us anyway.”

Any girl in Pakistan holding political aspirations should just “let it go, let it go”. Liberals in Pakistan make it sound like if we promote education for girls in Pakistan they will go on to win Emmys, Oscars or Nobel awards for the country. The question then remains, what were so many women doing in Islamabad? The answer is Imran Khan. Let us be honest, Imran’s female support is not because he is a World Cup winner for Pakistan, if Javed Miandad was leading PTI, the crowd would look less Veena Malik and more Rana Naveedul Hasan. The speeches might be way more entertaining though. The dharna was slimming out till Imran announced he wanted to build Naya Pakistan so he could get married, from that point onwards, the crowds have swelled up. According to Javed Hashmi’s allegations, Imran has also paid DJ Butt for the Mehndi and asked Allama Tahirul Qadri to read his Nikkah. Shaikh Rasheed was clearly in on the plan, as any married man would testify; he was talking about Imran when he said,

“Qurbaani say pehley, Qurbaani hogee.”

All these conspiracy theories have been proven to be true. RAW, CIA and Mosab all combined to create Reham Khan in a laboratory to control Imran. The evidence is all there in black and white, and 50 shades of grey. The most damning revelation to come out is that it is all scripted. Yes, like any television interview ever in Pakistan, the dharna has also been scripted. The entire script was written by a television production company looking to launch Pakistan’s version of the hit show, “The Bachelor”. One television channel was hired to play the smitten ex-girlfriend whereas another television channel was hired to play the shiny new girlfriend making the former jealous. Jemima Khan is said to watch the former with shock thinking even she does not have that many complaints from Imran. Meera has also thrown her hat into the ring by claiming that she will get married in Naya Pakistan, clear evidence that she was not as tired as she told Captain Naveed she was. However, the clearest evidence is Imran’s decision to hold a jalsa at Mianwali. He clearly wants a lucky girl to become ‘Mianwali’. Imran himself wore his famous black kurta to the jealous, making Attaullah Esa Khelvi swoon,

“Kameez teri Kali, tay sohna phoola wali…tay nu le kay jawa ga Mianwali.”

I do not blame the women vying for Imran’s love; when you compare his looks to other politicians in the country, he is our resident Ryan Gosling. Rumour also has it that he parted way with Hashmi after being jealous of his popularity with the girls. As the parents reading this may know, the teenage girls all like a baaghi. The stage was set, the lights were up, the music is playing, and all that is missing was Mrs PTI? Finally true to his slogan , “Mian Sahib jaaan deo, sadi waari aan deo”, Imran finally got his turn. But what about Altaf Bhai? Nobody gave him a shaadi card, not even one of those cards at the dharna. In these circumstances, it is completely natural for him to act smitten. I for one absolve him of all blame. I stand with Altaf Bhai. Look, I have written an article in support of Altaf Hussain, can you please stop asking for my bori size? Wait, this is the text window right? Oh...

A match that both teams were trying their level best to lose, Pakistan failed to shoot themselves in the foot for a change and managed to beat the might of Zimbabwe. The day was set for Shahid Afridi to shine on his 35^th birthday. Hey, if Meera is still 25, why can’t Afridi be 35? I am still 16 by the way. Afridi’s age is a great metaphor for the entire country; it is stuck in reverse. The day started with news that Rahat Fateh Ali Khan was going to play for the team, sending the entire nation (or just me actually) in a frenzy wondering why he was being picked for to play. Maybe, it was just Nasir Jamshed but the fact that he looks exactly like Rahat Fateh Ali confused the selectors. Another selection decision announced by Misbahul Haq at the toss was that Younus Khan was not playing, leading to everyone dancing on Rahat Fateh Ali Khan songs. [embed width="620"]http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x2h55uq[/embed] Even Misbah could not hide his snicker while saying “unfortunately”. Rumour has it that he laughed for 10 straight minutes after going back to the dressing room. [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="498"] Photo: Shehzad Ghias[/caption] The day started wonderfully for Jamshed, who got his first run in a World Cup ever. However, that was to be his last run in the match, and hopefully ever. [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="499"] Photo: Shehzad Ghias[/caption] You have to admire Jamshed’s precision though; he managed to pick the only fielder on the leg side with his shot. Things only got worse when Ahmad Shahzad joined him in solidarity in the dressing room. Both Shahzad and Afridi got out as if they had plans to take birthday selfies in the dressing room. Pakistan cricket team was playing as if they were paying a tribute to the Netflix House of Cards series by falling like one. Misbah demonstrated why he is known as ‘Tuk Tuk’ by having a worse strike rate than storm troopers. [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="498"] Photo: Shehzad Ghias[/caption] At one point, Ramiz Raja was sitting in the commentary box, sympathising the Hawk-eye because it showed no shots played. Many spectators had forgotten what a boundary looked like. The Zimbabwe bowler Tendai Chatara was particularly bowling well, leading many to wonder why Cheetara left Thundercats in the first place to join the Zimbabwe cricket team. The experience was only made worse by constant ads in the middle with a boy exclaiming,

“Dekho, kitna acha khel raha hai Misbah” (Look, how well Misbah is playing!)

This led the nation to wonder what drugs that boy was on. [fbvideo link="https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=431024963716053&set=vb.215467881938430&type=2&theater"][/fbvideo] That ad explains what is wrong with the attitude of our cricket team. There is an ad of the South African cricket team going to a boy’s house to make him feel special, and play cricket with him whereas Afridi finds some kids who he feels does not know him and asks Umar Akmal to show them who is boss and beat them. [fbvideo link="https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=421776587988210&fref=nf"][/fbvideo]

“Abhay Umar, ye bachay humay nahin jantay. Aao inko haratay hein aur batate hay hum kaun hay!” (Umar, these kids don’t know us. Let’s beat them and show them who we are!)

Even the Afridi bubblegum ad should rebrand itself to,

“Boom Boom runs ko bhula do”

[fbvideo link="https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=737180466331678"][/fbvideo] The ads were genuinely more interesting than the match. PTV Sports knew that, which is why they cut to the ads as soon as the last ball left the bowler’s hands, and did not resume the match till the first ball of the next over hit the bat. The Pakistan cricket team continued losing wicket. We have even lost our unpredictability factor; we now know our batting will collapse in every match. [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="499"]

Photo: Shehzad Ghias[/caption] It looked like we would not even get 200. The broadcaster only made it worse by regularly flashing scores of 300 plus scored by other teams to make Pakistani cricket fans jealous. [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="500"]

Photo: Shehzad Ghias[/caption] I believe guards at Guantanamo Bay now show terrorists our batting innings to torture them. The only silver lining is to follow the Nasir Jamshed (parody) Twitter account.

I wonder how Bob Woolmer would’ve felt reading that tweet. The only hope Pakistani fans had was in fixing emerging scandals so we could take solace in the fact that our cricket team is not genuinely this bad. Wahab Riaz’s innings at the end gave us some hope going into bowl, Zimbabwe took inspiration from the Akmal brothers and dropped a number of his catches. Makes us wonder if Riaz shared the jacket he got with the stash of money in London with them. [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="499"]

Photo: Shehzad Ghias[/caption] However, our bowling came to our rescue, as always. It was the Mohammad Irfan show. [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="498"]

Photo: Shehzad Ghias[/caption] [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="496"]

Photo: Shehzad Ghias[/caption] It was not always straight forward but when does the Pakistan cricket team ever make it easy for their cricket fans? They should be sued for inducing all these mini-heart attacks. There were the mandatory dropped catches by Akmal. In fact, he even added a new entry to his list of mistakes by not reviewing a caught-behind appeal that suspiciously looked like it was out, giving the Zimbabwe batsman some relief. [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="498"]

Photo: Shehzad Ghias[/caption] Makes you wonder what Sarfaraz Ahmed has done to not play; maybe Misbah is a follower of the Tapasweeya in the PK movie. Even Shahzad caught one, pushing up his selfies-taken to catches-taken ratio to 7,804 to 1 in favour of the selfies. All is well that ends well, and in the end we won for a change. Let’s not make it this hard next time boys! There is only so much your fans can take! Bring it on South Africa! Actually don’t bring it on too much, be nice to us and let us beat you. Please? Pretty please?

This is the year 2050. The Pakistan we once knew in 2015 has changed tremendously. Or has it really? Below is the glimpse of literally ‘Naya Pakistan’. 1. The government vows to end the energy crisis till 3058. Promise. 2. Malala Yousafzai has moved back to Pakistan and is currently running for the office of prime minister, from the Pakistan People’s Party (PPP) of course. She enjoys an unequivocal support from not only the liberal faction within the country, but also from King’s Landing, Meereen, Bravos and Winterfell. However, she continues to face severe backlash from religious outfits and Wildlings, a wave that started back in 2012 when she was allegedly shot. 3. Jibran Nasir has successfully staged 6.7 millionth protests outside Lal Masjid. This time the strength was extraordinarily high, no fewer than 13 participants were seen. Nasir has been struggling for decades to transform Lal Masjid into a coffee house. 4. Farhan Khan Virk has been elected the new chairman of Pakistan-Tehreek-e-Insaf (PTI). His unparalleled services and countless Twitter trends have finally paid off. While the gullible Insafians throw a break-dance party, the decision has sparked deep chasms in the party. Rumor has it that the party may split into two factions – Suleman Khan led PTI-Haqeeqi and Virk led PTI-Insafi. 5. The Election Commission is still auditing the 2013 elections. Results are expected to be announced real soon. 6. Bilawal Bhutto, having quit politics long time ago, runs his own beauty salon – ‘Mera Nakhra, Totally Wakhra’– in the UK. Yes, he is out. Plans are underway that Bilawal Lovers Organisation (BLO) will soon open a local branch in Karachi. The customers are just pouring in. 7. Asifa Bhutto, vice-chairperson PPP (the chairperson is 95-year-old Asif Ali Zardari), vows to bring Benazir Bhutto’s murderers to justice. 8. Altaf Bhai has tendered his 10 zillionth resignation. 9. Zulfikar Ali Bhutto abhi bhi zinda hai (is still alive). 10. Islam is still in danger, and needs more-aggressive-than-ever saving. 11. The Pakistan Muslim League-N (PML-N) is obsolete. The Sharif clan has long since fled to Saudi Arabia. Their last mega project was the 116-lane motorway connecting Raiwind directly to Saudi Arabia with numerous underpasses and fancy overheads. The entire length of the motorway was beautifully adorned with miniature metros, motorways, peeli (yellow) taxis and sasti rotis (cheap bread). 12. Shahid Afridi has taken back his ODI resignation, saying he is still young and energetic, and has plenty of years ahead of him. 13. Meera is still single and looking to settle down. In her desperation, she has proposed to a tree, a potato, a chair, and a few thousand “Will you fraandship me?” strangers on her Facebook’s ‘others’ messages. 14. Ali Zafar will soon release Ebola Remix. 15. Having exhausted all his options, Talat Hussain now appears on Madni TV. His show’s name is ‘Naya Talat Hussain’. 16. Talking to reporters, the self-certified religious scholar, and femininely-acclaimed gay fashion designer, Aamir Liaquat, says he has been divinely inspired to launch designer pants, flashy tees and pink spectacles and watches for men, Masha Allah, of course. 17. A new age of liberal darkness has surfaced in Pakistan. 18. Asma Jahangir III is vociferously campaigning for LGBT rights in Pakistan. She says that had it not been for the army, the LGBT community would have gotten their ethical and deserved rights back in the times of Asma Jahangir I. 19. LUMS has sparked yet another controversy by banning lectures of religious scholar Hamza Ali Abbasi, the former heartthrob and actor. Visibly shaken, PTI Chief Farhan Virk promises to stage a dharna in Abbasi’s defense, and of course, innumerable Twitter trends. Some of the trends include: #LUMSDudeThisIsSoRude #LUMSMustSuccumb #YoLUMSSoBad #LUMSOrSLUM #LUMSTeriShamatAyeea 20. The last date of sim verification has been extended to June 12, 2058. PTA confirms for the nth time that all unregistered sims will be permanently blocked after the last date. This was warning number 679821. The original post can be viewed here.

I am not proud of my inability to read and write Urdu well. Growing up overseas, I did not have the opportunity to study the tongue, and English became my first language. As a result, it takes me far longer to read Urdu words than it should. This is not a good thing, and when I speak in Urdu, which I do well, I try to use as many Urdu words in my speech as possible, hard as it can be with English having infiltrated the language tongue so heavily. Surprisingly, when I moved to Pakistan later in my life, I realised that many who had grown up in the country, educated in their own schools, couldn’t speak Urdu without heavily resorting to English words. If you think about it, it is actually very difficult to do. It is also not limited to ‘burger’ classes. Speak with most in the country in Urdu and you’ll notice that 10 per cent of their speech consists of words from the English language, words which have perfectly good replacements in Urdu. Whenever my uncle visits from overseas, we try a game. As he also enjoys speaking in Urdu, we try to have a conversation purely in the language, without a single use of an English word. It is extremely difficult. I want you, the reader, to give it a try with someone. The same conversations can take significantly longer as you struggle to find the right words in the Urdu vocabulary. Although when it works well, you end up sounding like PTV’s khabarnama. Urdu’s corruption is an issue with our mind-set. We judge the language, and we judge those who speak it. An example is Saeed Ajmal, whose courageous attempts to speak English were mocked across social media. Then there is Meera, who is consistently set up by Pakistani celebrities to fail in English interviews. The poor actress is regularly targeted by her peers so that they can have a good laugh. I’ve spoken to these celebrities and perhaps they don’t realise how poor their English is. For some reason, we shame those who can’t speak in a foreign language, yet find it perfectly acceptable to struggle with Urdu. I still remember listening to Imran Khan’s speech, where he tried to shame Prime Minister Nawaz Sharif for being unable to speak English fluently. This was startling, as Imran was addressing the working classes in the crowd, most of who were unlikely to speak English as well either. When I would visit Pakistan as a child, I clearly remember that there was still some respect for Urdu. Adverts in Urdu were written in Urdu, while adverts in English would be written in English. Today, it is difficult to find a sign or an advertisement written in Urdu at all. And when it is, it is written in English, which is simply shocking. Yes, it seems the language is dying a slow death when the giant companies in the nation choose to write Urdu in English alphabets. This is why I appreciate the Pakistan government’s decision to push Urdu to the forefront again. Reportedly, the government plans to deliver speeches at home and overseas in Urdu, and to publish official documents and the like in Urdu as well. There are so many nations which pay respect to their national language across the world, even on international platforms, so I don’t see why Pakistan cannot either.

We Pakistanis have many trigger points; many things irk us and many leave us disgruntled. Some moments make us sing with joy while others leave us simply bewildered. Therefore, in line with all things Pakistani, here are 24 Pakistani reactions that can very aptly be explained via Disney Gifs. 1. When it rains, anywhere in Pakistan [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="500"] Photo: Tumblr[/caption] 2. When Shahid Afridi hits the ball in the air… [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="500"] Photo: MermaidConga[/caption] And it lands in the fielder’s hands [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="500"] Photo: Disney Wiki[/caption] 3. When Pakistanis come across #ThankYouRaheelSharif [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="500"] Photo: Tumblr[/caption] 4. When a Pakistani is recognised internationally [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="500"] Photo: Pinterest[/caption] 5. When it comes to Malala Yousafzai [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="500"] Photo: Giphy[/caption] 6. When the scheduled load-shedding does not take place [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="500"] Photo: Pinterest[/caption] 7. When Pakistanis manage to get tickets for a new blockbuster, without booking in advance [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="480"] Photo: Giphy[/caption] 8. Whenever Meera tries to speak in English [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="410"] Photo: Tumblr[/caption] 9. When we saw Ayesha Sana’s infamous video [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="500"] Photo: Tumblr[/caption] 10. When guests are about to come over [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="500"] Photo: Tumblr[/caption] 11. When ammi asks you to go fetch yogurt/vegetables/fizzy drinks from the nearby store [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="443"] Photo: Gifmania[/caption] 12. When ammi threatens to go and buy the items herself [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="500"] Photo: Tumblr[/caption] 13. When Pakistani students realise what they have done in their exams [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="500"] Photo: Tumblr[/caption] 14. When there is a wedding at home and you have to do all the work [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="540"] Photo: Giphy[/caption] 15. When there is a wedding at a relative’s home and there is a lot of drama to look forward to [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="500"] Photo: Tumblr[/caption] 16. When there is a strike [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="500"] Photo: Tumblr[/caption] 17. When Pakistanis are told tabdeeli aagayi hai (revolution is here) [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="500"] Photo: Tumblr[/caption] 18. Whenever Altaf Bhai holds a press conference [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="500"] Photo: Tumblr[/caption] 19. When Pakistanis were introduced to KitKat Talcum Powder [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="480"] Photo: Smosh[/caption] 20. Whenever Zubaida Aapa comes on TV [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="320"] Photo: Tumblr[/caption] 21. When a game show is being aired [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="500"] Photo: Giphy[/caption] 22. When we see Mamnoon Hussain on TV and realise that he still exists [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="500"] Photo: Tumblr[/caption] 23. When we hear the roti, kapra aur makaan (bread, clothes and shelter) drill... [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="500"] Photo: Photobucket[/caption] 24. When the Mere Aziz Hum Watno moment arrives [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="480"] Photo: Tumblr[/caption] There are so many more instances where Pakistanis have peculiar reactions. If you have some in mind, do share them with us in the comment section below!

Bollywood has had its own share of fascination with biopics and sports movies alike, and most of the films in both genres have suffered from various problems. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YGf8j9Fxn4w Biopics have suffered because of the glorification of the heroes, making them much larger than they actually were in reality. This is evident in Bhaag Milkha Bhaag, The Dirty Picture or the countless Bhagat Singh movies. Even though Milkha Singh won accolades and awards across the country, the exaggeration in his character development was painfully evident. Sports films, on the other hand, have suffered from the lack of technical knowledge of the sport itself. Goal made a mockery of football and Kai Po Che did not even know the field placements in cricket. Even Aamir Khan, the perfectionist, overlooked the fact that English cricket used a five ball over in 1893 and moved to six ball overs in 1902, even though his film Lagaan is set in 1893. Never mind Awwal Number. [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="600"] Emran Hashmi in Azhar (2016)
Photo: IMDb[/caption] There are exceptions such as the biopic Paan Singh Tomar and sports movies like Chak De India, but then there are also accidents in Bollywood. Azhar is a combination of a biopic and a sports movie; which means the producers face the challenge of glorifying the life of the lead and technical aspects of the sport as well. The question is whether Azhar is an exceptional film like Paan Singh or does it just add to the list of hyperbolic biopics from Bollywood? By the end of the review, we will have the answer. Concerning technical parts of cricket, it’s a hit-and-miss. Mohammad Azharuddin’s statistics have been accurately shown, including his first three centuries. The transition of cricket kits is an interestingly picked detail, as trousers have moved from button to string over the years. But at the same time, showing a white ball for ODIs during the 80s in the sub-continent is a big miss. The cricket bats in question have thick blades with curved tops which have only been a phenomenon of the last decade, after Azhar’s retirement, not before his international debut. Though the real problem lies in the glorification of Azhar’s character, played by Emraan Hashmi. Not being impartial in one’s biography is one thing, blatantly depicting him as an angel is another. Azhar is not just a good cricketer and leader; he is also a saviour of damsels in distress and knows how to con the criminal bookies; all of which is proven by gutsy hard hitting dialogues. [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="600"] Emran Hashmi as Mohammad Azharuddin and Prachi Desai as Naureen in Azhar
Photo: IMDb[/caption] Interestingly though, it is not only Azhar whose character has been glorified. Sangeeta Bijlani (Nargis Fakhri) is shown nothing short of a saint in the film, which is highly debatable. Azhar’s first wife, Naureen (Prachi Desai), is also shown as the most accommodating person ever, even during the time when the mistress comes in, while in real life Azhar had to part ways with a bit of cash surplus and real estate to close that particular chapter of his life. I have nothing against Sangeeta or Naureen, but showing them in a real light would have added a realistic touch to the film which was completely missing in the biopic. Yes, it was a biopic, but with a handful of believable parts. Debutant director Tony D’Souza has picked up Ekta Kapoor’s usual suspect in writing, Rajat Arora who also penned The Dirty Picture and Once Upon A Time in Mumbaai, both of which were biopics. This time, though, Rajat has gone too far with creative liberty. The script is weak in general and knowledge of the subject matter, cricket, is shaky and the sincerity towards all angles of Azhar’s court drama is incredibly biased. Even the way the dots of the script were connected is extremely chaotic. The movie hardly opens any new perspectives to the viewer other than simply showing Azhar’s perspective. The courtroom scenes are flat, uninteresting, lengthy and quite fake. To add salt to the injury, the narration is not simple either and is webbed with flashbacks and the present timeline. The climax is weak and hasty, if the conclusion was as simple as shown, the case would not have continued for years. Tony’s treatment of the screenplay is shaky and requires a lot of refinement. The film has a strong premise of courtroom battle proving Azhar’s innocence or guilt; however, it has been made like a love triangle and patriotism drama. Azhar could have actually been shot entirely in court, like Danny Boyle’s Steve Jobs. That is, obviously, too much to ask for from a Bollywood masala biopic. [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="600"] Emran Hashmi as Azhar and Nargis Fakhri as SAngeeta Bijalni in Azhar (2016)
Photo: http://azharmovieboxofficecollection.com[/caption] Characterisation is also a mix of ups-and-downs. While Manoj Prabharkar’s portrayal is excellent, Ravi Shastri ’s is good; Kapil Dev ’s is rather uninspiring. Sangeeta Bijalni had a lot more aura and charm than Nargis Fakhri can demonstrate in her entire life time. The biggest failure was Azhar’s lawyer, a nonsensical comic Andhra character called Reddy, played by Kunaal Roy Kapoor. Lara Dutta’s portrayal of Meera, the prosecutor of the courtroom drama is yawn inducing and wasted. Make-up and costumes are poor in general and show no progress over a period of 30 years from the 80s to 2011. [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="600"] Azhar first look: Emraan Hashmi's birthday gift for ex-cricketer
Photo: Hindustan Times[/caption] Emran Hashmi’s work needs praise. He has mastered Azhar’s body language to perfection. His signature walk coupled with neck movements, raised collars and use of barray bhai, just like the real Azhar; make for a very precise depiction of the cricketer and shows that some research has been put in developing the reel Azhar from the real Azhar. Despite the good work, there is still a question of the best possible casting. Hashmi did not copy Azhar’s vocal tone that well; the real Azhar speaks much faster. Also, Hashmi is also approximately four and a half inches shorter than Azhar. Perhaps Akshay Kumar would have done it better than Emran? I guess we will never find out. Azhar might bring in numbers, but on the whole, it’s a hit and miss film with a lot of things going against it. Watch it if you are an Azharuddin fan, don’t watch it if you are a cricket fan. [poll id="556"]

Hotal, the work of a New York Film Academy graduate, Khalid Hasan Khan, offered nothing surreal and nothing to write home about. Even though he won the Best Film award for his debut psycho-thriller at the Delhi International Film Festival 2014, his movie Hotal failed in many aspects. The lack of continuity, an insubstantial plot, and frequent editing bloopers served as serious mistakes that made the movie an extremely horrendous watch for the viewers. [embed width-"620" height="348"]https://vimeo.com/87328839[/embed] Hotal revolves around Kashika (Meera) and her wish to give birth to a daughter while her husband Naresh (Humayun Gilani) absolutely does not want to have another daughter. Her second pregnancy creates a lot of unhappiness in her marriage and her husband insists on taking her to the doctor, hoping to get answers to why his wife cannot bear him a son. The doctor then advises the husband to take his expecting wife to a place named Hotal. This place is situated on the outskirts of the city and the doctor there handles such cases by performing illegal abortions. Except his wife has no idea he’s taking her there for this reason. [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="600"] Photo: Screenshot[/caption] At the Hotal, Kashika starts seeing disturbing visions of her unborn sister and soon the reality begins unfolding before her eyes. She starts to put the pieces of the terrifying puzzle together. With the help of her ghost sister, Kashika eventually dodges the infamous doctor. [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="600"] Photo: Screenshot[/caption] The rest of the plot revolves around a CBI inspector and a vengeful woman looking for her twin sister’s assassin. To bolster the shaky and confusing storyline, the characters of a tight-lipped administrator, a cook, a gardener, a mysterious Poornima (girl born on a full moon day) and a talkative taxi driver were included to create a more convoluted and baffling crime thriller. [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="600"] Photo: Screenshot[/caption] To be honest, Khan’s independent movie cannot be categorised as a typical Pakistani film, except for the fact that it showcases Lollywood star Meera and other Pakistani artists. The film exhibits a very Bollywoodish aura starting from characterisations, to costumes and locations. Even the prime language of the script is Hindi. Despite various similarities, Pakistani moviegoers may not be able relate to these things. [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="600"] Photo: Screenshot[/caption] Credit where credit is due, Khan should be appreciated for selecting a bold issue such as female foeticide; the hideous practice of killing female foetuses illegally via induced abortion. In the sub-continent, there are numerous doctors and private clinics where illegal abortions are done due to the cultural preferences for a son. Despite strict laws and punishments for such acts, this obnoxious practice is on the rise in Pakistan, India and China. The yearly average number of sex selective abortions in Pakistan is 116,384, whereas China witnesses around 800,000 and India witnesses 600,000 abortions per year. [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="600"] Photo: Screenshot[/caption] Khan’s screenplay tried to touch upon the socio-legal complexities of this abhorrent custom. However, the loose grip on the plot, low production value, irrelevant songs, ostentatious dances, and countless lapses in logic and reason turned Hotal into an intolerable piece of hogwash. The plot turns whacky midway and characters seem to mindlessly jump into scenes out of nowhere. [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="600"] Photo: Screenshot[/caption] Instead of carefully considering the set design, cinematography, costumes, lighting and background music, all the attention has been wasted on irrelevant item numbers such as Lakshmi and Mombatti. Similarly, the Hindi diction of all actors failed to impress audiences. I fail to understand the director’s logic behind this. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ScLQnRJTyas Although, Meera won the Best Actress award for her character of Kashika at the Delhi International Film Festival 2014, there is nothing praiseworthy about her performance. She has delivered the same performances in the past as well; Billi (2000), Khilona (1996), Khoye Ho Tum Kahan (2001). Hotal is definitely not a feather in her cap. All in all, Hotal is a freaky product, not a spine-chilling psycho-thriller. [poll id="570"]

When was the last time you saw a Pakistani actress killing it in Bollywood? Mahira Khan, you say? I consider her a part of the production design for Raees and not the cast, since she was nothing more than a pretty looking prop in a movie dominated by Shah Rukh Khan and narrative absurdities. Hmm, so your comeback is Humaima Malick? Ever wondered why she is rarely seen anywhere on screen after the disaster that was Raja Natwarlal? Next up, Meera ji? Oh so you are being funny now, you cheeky bugger you. Mawra Hocane? Like seriously, are you kidding me? I am not even going to dignify that with a response. But finally, we have someone from these shores who did not just go to Bollywood to play embarrassingly awkward eye-candy; we have somebody who wasn’t happy being sexually objectified, because she got a role in a Bollywood flick. Step forward, Saba Qamar, the Pakistani diva who crossed borders not just to increase numbers, but with the potential to become number one. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GjkFr48jk68 Mita Batra aka Honey (Qamar), is married to Raj Batra (Irrfan Khan) who is quite content with his ecosystem living in Delhi’s infamous Chandni Chowk. Life is all hunky dory for the nouveau riche Raj selling original copies of designer wear. But wife Mita – who realises, how despite their riches, can’t break into the hallowed company of the true elites because they can’t fluently converse in the Queen’s language – is eager to angrezify (refine/make it more English) their lifestyle. This is because she wants her daughter, Pia, to get an admission into a fancy English medium school. [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="600"] Photo: Screenshot[/caption] [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="600"] Photo: Screenshot[/caption] Moving from the under-privileged hustle bustle of the old city to a swanky home in south Delhi, an admissions consultant and multiple efforts later, the duo are still nowhere close to the elusive Holy Grail, the uber exclusive Delhi Grammar School, headed by Ms Lodha (Amrita Singh). This is where Raj finds out about the Right to Education Act (ghareeb (poor) quota) which requires them to fake being poor. [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="600"] Photo: Screenshot[/caption] Willing to go the extra mile, Mita and Raj are on the move again, this time shifting to an impoverished neighbourhood. But would this prove enough to get Pia in to the school of their elitist dreams? That’s what forms the rest of the plot. [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="600"] Photo: Screenshot[/caption] [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="525"] Photo: Screenshot[/caption] Director Saket Choudhary has chosen to tell a story which hits a little too close to home for a lot of people on both sides of the border – the same colonial overlords, the same obsession with vilayati boli (foreign language) as a status symbol. But Choudhary takes a leaf out of the acclaimed Indian director Rajkumar Hirani’s levity booklet by taking this serious issue of the great language divide and packaging it in satirical humor to nudge you into thinking about it. The writing is on point with perfectly timed comedy – the delicious cherry atop this cinematic cake. But the real reason why Hindi Medium does so well is the lead duo of Khan and Qamar. While fans of Indian cinema have grown accustomed to Khan’s powerhouse performances over the years – and he doesn’t disappoint this time around either – the real surprise for a vast majority of people is the acting of our best female export to Bollywood. Qamar is just plain fantastic as the Chandni Chowk lass with social climbing aspirations. The best part is that she is good and she very well knows it. She recently boycotted one of our country’s premier award event citing how the show was not worthy of her attendance. She said,

“Ever since I have had a Bollywood stamp, all the top brands are chasing me for endorsements. Where were all the brands before I went to India? No one has ever approached me for the last 13 years that I have been working.”

Talking to Hindustan Times, a leading Indian daily, Qamar proudly added,

“Even Hindustan Times and Pinkvilla have compared me to Mahira Khan and given a verdict that my performance is far better than hers in Raees.”

And we totally concur. https://twitter.com/bengaltigress11/status/866229583409946624 Qamar is a complete package and has everything right down from incredible looks to a fantastic acting ability. It is one thing signing a film with Khan, supposedly the best brown, actor on the face of God’s green earth, but holding her own against him deserves some serious appreciation. For now, it is Qamar’s world, and we all just live in it.

I am often left speechless when asked to name a superstar from Pakistan who is unconditionally loved by the majority. I can’t think of a name like Shah Rukh Khan, whom people from around the globe would be familiar with even if they didn’t watch Bollywood movies. Surely, Pakistan has produced some of the best musicians, artists, cricketers and authors. There is no dearth of talent in our country. Then what is it that compels us to hate on people like Malala Yousafzai when the whole world is recognising her sacrifices and bravery? We as a nation excel in providing mob justice, witch-hunting and jumping to conclusions. And while we are at it, we also ensure that no one succeeds beyond where we want/expect them to be. God forbid, if someone is able to achieve something noteworthy, we do whatever is in our power to bring down the undeserving person/organisation. The latest subjects of this witch-hunt seem to be Khaadi and Waqar Zaka. Let me clarify, I have never owned a single outfit by Khaadi (not brand conscious at all) and people like Waqar Zaka are just not my cup of tea. If anything, I do remember laughing at his expense in the past. I know better now, so I deliberately don’t share jokes targeting people like Meera, Taher Shah and Nasir Khanjan. If anything, I admire their resilience and secretly envy their confidence. Like all of us, they make mistakes and being in the public eye means their mistakes are almost never forgotten. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OdhEJ39KLrk However, be it Twitter or Facebook, people are always on the hunt for finding a new enemy every day. These passive keyboard warriors spread information faster than the speed of light, without listening to both sides of the story, and sometimes without any verification. I was recently disappointed to see that the very people who spend hundreds of thousands on international brands, which have been openly called out for unethical practices, were bashing a local brand for HR mismanagement. In no way am I defending the brand in question. Surely, there is always room for improvement in everything. However, I think anyone who is bothered by unethical practices of corporations should immediately start avoiding chocolate or coffee, buying shoes or clothes from all big brands, buying mobile phone brands which use conflict minerals, anything which is produced using palm oil or perhaps even buying locally weaved rugs (yes, approximately 75% of Pakistan’s carpet weavers are girls under 14). Also, it’s amazing to see some ‘micro-bloggers’ (yes everyone is a blogger these days) brutally targeting Khaadi and hijacking their hashtag while they gladly promote multinationals in the hopes of a few free goodies. These holier than thou, socially responsible Twitterati will jump onto any bandwagon for a few thousand rupees as well (and here we thought new media was free and forthright) without questioning the agenda of the organisations/brands. Then why the hullabaloo and false pretense of hating consumerism on which you feed and which feeds on you? https://twitter.com/SanamBalochfans/status/869164266443517952 https://twitter.com/Hussainafzal_/status/867802177812791296 https://twitter.com/HaadeaP/status/867802985446952962 https://twitter.com/ChefShamsher1/status/868082604163178496?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw&ref_url=https%3A%2F%2Ftribune.com.pk%2Fstory%2F1422704%2Flabour-federation-rubbishes-khaadi-statement-denying-inhumane-working-conditions%2F Why this hypocrisy? Let me remind you, I am not asking you to not call a spade a spade but do speculate. I, for instance, wonder why just Khaadi? While we are condemning one wrong practice, why aren’t we asking questions about the workers in other textile mills? Why aren’t the workers across the industry taking this golden opportunity to take to the streets and demanding justice everywhere? Why don’t we have a conclusive decision about the culprits of Baldia Town factory blaze in which hundreds of people perished? I want to know why hasn’t anyone learned any lessons and why do we still hear about incidents like Bhangoria Goth factory fire where two workers jumped off the third floor of a factory to escape the blaze? No doubt there is a dire need to challenge and change workplace practices, governance and laws across the board in Pakistan. Honestly, very few organisations have properly functioning human resource departments. Also, bringing this massive change might take several years and a lot of effort. However, we can begin the change now, within ourselves, by challenging consumerism and avoiding hypocrisy. Try and buy what you need and not what you want. Don’t complain about these issues if you are just going to comfortably sit in your air-conditioned room and sip on a cup of tea that your 11-year-old maid has served. Don’t be a dolt by spending most of your income on dining out at fancy restaurants and buying ridiculously expensive clothes while delaying your driver’s salary. Don’t waste food by cooking more than you can eat while giving last night’s leftovers to your servants. And lastly, don’t just boycott small vendors and condemn local trendsetters but actually make a difference by analysing each of your personal action.

Rightly considered one of the most anticipated Pakistani movies of 2019, Baaji’s trailer was unveiled yesterday to largely positive reviews. Saqib Malik’s directorial debut, the first few seconds of the trailer show the film to be a cross between genres as we see drama, action, comedy, revenge and even murder. The cast includes the ever-glamorous Meera, who shares the screen with model-turned-actor Amna Ilyas. Other primary actors include Osman Khalid Butt, Mohsin Abbas Haider, Ali Kazmi, Nayyar Ejaz, and Nisho Begum. Baaji is about an aging former movie star trying her best to keep pace with younger, emerging talent that is also undoubtedly more charismatic. The first 10 seconds of the trailer establish why Meera’s character enjoys legendary status in the movie industry, while Ilyas is presented as a newcomer who aspires to make it big in the world of showbiz and own a huge mansion. Butt plays the role of a director who is looking for a fresh face for his next project, Haider seems to be interested in Amna, while Kazmi appears to be Meera’s boyfriend. The trailer ends with Meera’s character saying,

“Love me or hate me, but you can never replace me!”

Baaji is thus the story of what happens when a female movie star grows old and is promptly replaced by a younger version of herself. It also portrays how class divide plays an important role in our film fraternity. The movie also seems more liberal than what we’ve seen from the Pakistani industry in a while, with the hint of an item song where none other than Meera ji shows us her dance moves, as well as the indication of some intimate scenes with her male counterparts.

It is interesting to see how Meera will portray a character that seems to be written with her in mind, given that the movies she has made in the past several years have barely received any acclaim or attention. Perhaps Baaji will be the unique venture Meera needs that will end up adding many more years to her real-life acting career. Butt and Ilyas’ performance will also play an important part in the movie as both have key roles, but from the looks of it they seem to be doing justice to their characters. Haider has already proved his mettle through his work in movies such as Na Maloom Afraad and Load Wedding.

With Meera essentially portraying a version of herself, there is no doubt the movie will be a huge entertainer. Hopefully Baaji will also reveal Malik’s directorial acumen and bring to us a good dramatic comedy, the likes of which has been missing from our theatres and one that will be remembered long after as one of the better films to come out of our industry.

Baaji is scheduled to release on June 28, 2019. All photos: Screenshots

The Pakistan cricket team had a terrible day against India in the World Cup. That was disappointing. Yesterday, I interviewed a candidate for a position and despite a great profile on paper, the interview was quite mediocre. That was also very disappointing. But both these disappointments combined, added with other top 20 disappointments I have had in the last 30 days, are still less than a quarter of the disappointment that Baaji was. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P25RH1tI6EU Let’s face it, the trailer for Baaji did not turn the screen ablaze; however, there was still hope. Saqib Malik once directed Khamaj, arguably the best music video ever produced in Pakistan. He also directed Na Re Na, quite possibly the second best music video ever produced in Pakistan. Does all that matter? No. it does not. Saqib Malik has directed Baaji, surely the worst Pakistani film I have seen since the so-called ‘revival’ began. And that's saying something given that I have seen Wrong Number, Maan Jao Na and Azaadi. Baaji is suffering from an existential crisis. In a way, it’s Pakistan’s answer to Rajkumar Hirani’s film Sanju. Granted, Hirani will not understand this answer, but it is an answer nonetheless. It shows the life of a misunderstood, troubled star, played by Meera, called Shameera (creative name, right?) and how things keep going wrong for her. It includes many real life events from Meera’s life, including the infamous video clips that went viral and the broken fake marriages. In that way, it’s a biopic. Pakistan has made a biopic about Meera. Let that sink in. Baaji is a film about the film industry, much like Om Shanti Om and Luck By Chance. It shows the process of filmmaking and gives insights into the industry – albeit rather bizarre insights. It shows how a Hollywood director (played by Osman Khalid Butt) casts a heroine (on a live TV show), how scripts are written (director acting the script out at his home with the secretary of the heroine only to be gate crashed by the heroine herself), how an actress chooses her secretary (her manicurist who is fired from her job), among many other things. And to cap it off, the previous directorial venture of Butt’s character is called ‘Thief of hearts’. Subtle. If based on the trailers you thought Baaji was an ode to Lollywood, lo and behold, Baaji is actually a murder mystery. A primary character in the film is murdered and someone is framed. There is a disappearance, there is a con-man, there is an antagonist firing guns and there are sidekicks plotting murders and heists. Of course, there is also a kind-hearted lawyer who shows up out of nowhere to solve the case in less than five minutes. In reality though, Baaji isn’t any of that. It is actually a story of an ambitious young girl, with a heart of gold, looking to make it big and provide for her family, a family in which her conservative brother keeps asking her for rickshaw installment money and hits her when she raises her voice at him. The brother then transforms and becomes supportive in the end. How? We don’t know. We don’t need to. The innocent girl is fired from her job as a manicurist, then becomes Shameera’s secretary, makes it big, is fired again and within a week reaches a point where she has to sell her cell phone to get food. She is so innocent that a random strangers ask her to sit in his car because he knows her name, she gets in. He takes her to a shady hotel where she meets another shady photographer who offers her hash which she smokes without saying a word. Baaji proves one thing though: Malik is a very likeable person and has a lot of friends who were willing to work in his film. The film has cameos but no plot. Humayun Saeed, Yasir Hussain, Tapu Javeri, Tariq Amin, Frieha Altaf, all make an appearance. This is the kind of solidarity and support Malik needed, particularly since he has Meera and Butt acting in the film. A director asking Butt to act is an ambitious task as it is. It’s like expecting Ali Hamza to produce music of Rohail’s Hyatt’s quality, or expecting Shahid Afridi to bat like Rahul Dravid. It can happen but we all know it won’t. Baaji is atrociously directed, horribly acted and ridiculously written. It’s not a film. It’s a joke. A joke nobody laughs at. It’s an ideal candidate for the next video of pretentious movie reviews by ‘Biswa and Kanan.’ In one scene, the host Begum Nawazish Ali asks Butt’s charcter why he came back to Pakistan and he replies:

“Because Dil Dil Pakistan.”

Malik probably expected an emotional clap, but all the audience gave was mocking laughter. We all love Pakistan, but nobody should support Pakistani cinema by supporting bad content. Paying to watch Baaji should be criminalised. If you are being paid to watch it, still avoid it.

For much of the 2018-19 season, Real Madrid’s campaign has been driven by pessimism and trepidation. From mediocre performances on the field to a lack of purpose off it, the Los Blancos found themselves entrenched in a diatribe with a swathe of negative opinions from fans and critics alike. But the return of the clubs’s favourite son Zinedine Zidane after his dignified exit nine months ago has cut through all the noise, at least for the time being. Zizou’s work is cut out for him as the rebuilding job at a club like Real Madrid, with extremely high expectations, won’t be an easy task by any stretch of the imagination. https://twitter.com/kevinchimuka/status/1113392173150502914 However, unlike towards the end of his last tenure, Zidane will have financial backing from the club. A report from The Independent claimed “Real Madrid president Florentino Perez has promised Zidane an expensive overhaul,” immediately after the Frenchman’s arrival. A few days later L’Equipe’s front page (titled Casino Royal) stated that: “Perez is ready to show faith in Zidane to turn the ship around by giving him a €500 million summer budget.” If Madrid are keen on spending heavily in the upcoming summer transfer window, they will have to do it wisely, bearing in mind their current expectations and without compromising future ambitions. Defence Real Madrid’s defence is, arguably, the least concerning aspect of their squad. Sergio Ramos and Raphael Varane might not have had the best of seasons, but they still form a formidable pairing in the centre of defence. But with Ramos aging and especially if Varane decides to leave, Madrid would need adequate replacements in order to beef up their backline options. Looking at the options, three names stand out in particular. These include Napoli’s Kalidou Koulibaly (27), Inter Milan’s Milan Skriniar (24) and Ajax’s Matthijs de Ligt (19). [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="600"] Kalidou Koulibaly during the Serie A match between US Sassuolo and SSC Napoli at Mapei Stadium - Citta' del Tricolore on March 10, 2019 in Reggio nell'Emilia, Italy. Photo: Getty[/caption] All three have no obvious weaknesses and possess the ideal skill set expected from a defender (strength, positioning and ball playing skills), supplemented by the fact that they are young enough to be part of the club for a very long time. While Madrid would be happy to bring in any one of these players, Skriniar would be cheaper as compared to the other two, considering the absence of a release clause in his contract with Inter. [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="600"] Milan Skriniar of FC Internazionale competes for the ball with Danny da Costa of Eintracht Frankfurt during the UEFA Europa League Round of 16 Second Leg match between FC Internazionale and Eintracht Frankfurt at San Siro on March 14, 2019 in Milan, Italy. Photo: Getty[/caption] The 24-year-old also offers an added dimension of having played as a defensive midfielder with the Slovakian national side, and consequently can provide cover on two positions while also aiding in-game tactical switch. Midfielders Real Madrid have a substantial amount of talent in the centre of the park, with an impressive blend of young (Marcos Llorente, Fede Valverde and Dani Ceballos) and experienced players (Luka Modric, Toni Kroos and Casemiro). In order to cater to an aging Modric and take off pressure from Kroos, Madrid need a couple of additions to their midfield. However, they don’t need to spend heavily in this regard as the players they have loaned out – James Rodriguez to Bayern Munich and Mateo Kovacic to Chelsea – will be ideal suitors. Rodriguez’s incisiveness in the final third, both in open play and dead ball situations, will add creativity in central positions. This is of particular importance because a majority of Madrid’s attacks are wing-based, which is why the Colombian’s presence will stretch opposing defences and bring more unpredictability going forward. Also, through his quotes in the press, the midfielder has also indicated that there is no love lost between him and the Spanish giants, despite being left frustrated for playing time under Zidane previously. [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="600"] James Rodriguez of FC Bayern Muenchen controls the ball during the Bundesliga match between FC Bayern Muenchen and 1. FSV Mainz 05 at Allianz Arena on March 17, 2019 in Munich, Germany. Photo: Getty[/caption] Kovacic might not have had the best of seasons at Chelsea, but he can still play a vital role in The Whites midfield with his ability to play line-breaking passes; a trait which is of pivotal importance, especially against many La Liga sides who like to sit deep and defend. Also, the Croatian’s best time in Madrid colours came while playing under Zizou, which makes a strong case of having him back in the Spanish capital. [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="600"] Mateo Kovacic of Chelsea in action during the FA Cup Fifth Round match between Chelsea and Manchester United at Stamford Bridge on February 18, 2019 in London, United Kingdom. Photo: Getty[/caption] Forwards Ever since the departure of club legend Cristiano Ronaldo, the talk surrounding Real Madrid’s attacking pedigree has shown no signs of subsiding. Since the departure of the Portuguese, the goals have significantly dried up for the Los Blancos and hence the need for some clinical finishers in front of the goal is, probably, more than ever. Talking about forwards, one player that has constantly been linked with Real Madrid is Chelsea’s Eden Hazard. Although there is no doubt about the Belgium international’s footballing prowess and he will also be a seamless fit at Real, signing him now, at the age of 28, would mean the club shelling a lot of money in return for only two to three peak years. While it would be unfair to totally rule out a move, the club should only consider Hazard as a fall-back option. [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="600"] 31st March 2019, Cardiff City Stadium, Cardiff, Wales; EPL Premier League football, Cardiff City versus Chelsea; Eden Hazard of Chelsea looks back at a missed chance. Photo: Getty[/caption] Moving on, Paris Saint-Germain’s (PSG) Kylian Mbappe, despite being an ideal solution to Real Madrid’s goal scoring troubles, is a long shot considering his massive price tag. Although there are plenty of rumours in the transfer market regarding his move to Spain, the French club will go all out to keep the 20-year-old star at the club, keeping in mind the fact that he is at the core of their European ambitions. [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="600"] Kylian Mbappe of PSG celebrates a goal during the Ligue 1 match between Paris Saint Germain and Guingamp at Parc des Princes on January 19, 2019 in Paris, France. Photo: Getty[/caption] Taking into account all the factors and realistic options available on the market, Real Madrid will be better off if they work on the lines of signing Liverpool’s Sadio Mane and Inter Milan’s Mauro Icardi. Mane’s pace and technical ability has been part and parcel of Liverpool’s success in the past couple of seasons, and he will add a lot of potency to Real Madrid’s attack. Although he has played mostly as a winger for The Reds, if need be, he can play in a more central role as a striker as well. In Mane, Madrid will find a willing worker, who can track back and help out with defence and also link up well with Marcelo Vieira on the left wing. [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="600"] Sadio Mane of Liverpool FC runs with the ball during the Premier League match between Liverpool FC and Tottenham Hotspur at Anfield on March 31, 2019 in Liverpool, United Kingdom. Photo: Getty[/caption] On the other hand, Icardi has stacked up some great numbers for his Italian club with his lethal finishing. He may not participate much in build-up play but his positioning and movement in front of the goal is particularly impressive. Real Madrid have been guilty of creating lots of chances but not converting them during the ongoing season, but Icardi’s signing should go a long way in changing that. [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="600"] Mauro Icardi of FC Internazionale scores the second goal during the Serie A match betweenGenoa CFC and FC Internazionale at Stadio Luigi Ferraris on April 3, 2019 in Genoa, Italy. Photo: Getty[/caption] To Madrid and Zidane’s advantage, being knocked out of the title race on all fronts is somewhat a blessing in disguise, as it gives them additional time to plan for the future. But the 13-time European Champions will have to be clever with the way they go about their business in the transfer market, before it builds up more scar tissue against their name as a formidable force in the world of football.

The United States has introduced a United Nations Security Council (UNSC) resolution to blacklist Masood Azhar as an international terrorist. Azhar is the leader of Jaish-e-Mohammed (banned in Pakistan since 2002) and has been blamed by India for masterminding February’s Pulwama incident, even though no evidence has been produced which links Azhar to the incident. China has refused to list Azhar as an international terrorist after careful consideration of the definition of international terrorism according to international law. China has made this position absolutely clear and as such, it would appear that the US is looking to transform the UNSC into a place of high stakes geopolitical theatre, because China’s veto of the US resolution is inevitable. The US therefore is using the internationally immaterial issue of Azhar in order to provoke tensions between China and India at a time when the ruling Bharatiya Janata Party (BJP) is already invoking blood-curdling Sinophobia in further attempts to rally the jingoist Hindutva vote. But this is not all that the US is doing. Washington is also provoking and in fact insulting Pakistan by suggesting that a local matter is worthy of wasting the UN’s time, even after one of the permanent members of the Security Council has made its position unambiguous. As if on cue, India’s jingoistic media kicked into high gear suggesting war against China. Meanwhile, members of the BJP and the Rashtriya Swayamsevak Sangh (RSS) continue to call for a boycotting of Chinese goods. When it comes to Pakistan however, America’s willingness to inflate the international importance of Azhar makes it clear that the US is willing to risk productive relations with Pakistan in order to both placate India and to goad India into an even more extreme position vis-a-vis China (not that the BJP needs much help in this respect). Although the US has admitted that Pakistan’s role in the Afghan peace process is crucial, beyond this, the US has clearly made its decision in terms of a long term strategy in South Asia. While some US diplomats will feign attempts at a balanced South Asia policy, the reality is that India is now a key US strategic partner. US diplomats at the UN will happily do India’s bidding, even over a matter as absurd as trying to convince the world that Azhar is an international terrorist when legal precedent says otherwise. Pakistan must adjust its own expectations accordingly. While it would be imprudent for Pakistan to provoke any superpower, the message that Washington is not so subtly sending is that when it comes to a superpower partner, China is the singular key to Pakistan’s prosperous future, while the US is becoming little more than a puppet master helping direct flagrant Indian aggression against China. This is all the more reason for Pakistan to take a more assertive role in the Afghan peace process. As the country most directly affected by Afghanistan’s prolonged status as a failed state, Pakistan has no excuse not to emerge as an international leader in driving forward an all-parties peace process. Any idea that Pakistan should merely shadow the US in respect of the peace process should now be put to rest, as it is clear that the US has India’s strategic desires at heart and that, by comparison, Pakistan’s security needs come a very distant second or even third. The reality Pakistan must now face is that whilst America’s priorities in the South Asia during the 80’s related to containing Afghanistan to the West and the Soviet Union to the North, today the US is squarely focused on provoking China and for this, India will remain a key ally of Washington. All that Pakistan must now do is acclimate itself to a new reality where China’s all-weather friendship will grow in stature and material importance while the US will be willing to insult, debase and ignore Pakistan as though the events of the 80’s never occurred. This post was originally published here.

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